Fall break, Thanksgiving, the winter holidays. During the upcoming weeks, many families will experience having a son or daughter who has been away at college return home for the first time. Amidst the joy of having the family together again and seeing a child who has probably been away from home longer than ever before - the return of the college student can present some challenges for parents.
A sense of new-found independence and ability to make their own decisions without parental guidance is part of what makes going away to college both exciting and stressful for young people. When they re-enter the family home young adults may feel constrained and resentful, having to live by family rules and boundaries once again. Their resistance may be a way to let everyone know that they are older, wiser and more mature (all in a few months!).
Here are some things to consider:
• It is still your home and you get to make the rules for the household.
• At the same time, respect that your child is older and has been living more independently. Allow for somewhat more generous curfews and limitations, but still within your comfort and what will work in your home.
• Be prepared for changes in appearance, dietary habits and/or language. Part of the process of becoming independent is choosing to do things in a different way from what was done at home. You can ask about these changes as a curious observer “what made you choose to become a vegetarian? Stop wearing shoes, dye your hair purple?” Unless the change represents a serious and immediate health or safety risk, probably best to keep unsolicited opinions to yourself.
• If there are particular family activities or meals at which your child’s attendance is mandatory, be sure to let them know in advance and try to be flexible about the rest.
• Be vigilant about not serving alcohol to underage youth in your home. You have a right to serve your OWN child alcohol in your home, and only if they intend to remain in the home after consuming alcohol. You may not serve other people’s children.
• Remind your returning child that he or she is an important role model for their younger siblings still living at home.
• While sleep, a home-cooked meal and visiting with friends are important priorities for most returning young people, they can still be expected to contribute to the family by doing chores, running errands and helping out at home. Use of the car and time out and about can be rewards for participating in family maintenance.
A sense of new-found independence and ability to make their own decisions without parental guidance is part of what makes going away to college both exciting and stressful for young people. When they re-enter the family home young adults may feel constrained and resentful, having to live by family rules and boundaries once again. Their resistance may be a way to let everyone know that they are older, wiser and more mature (all in a few months!).
Here are some things to consider:
• It is still your home and you get to make the rules for the household.
• At the same time, respect that your child is older and has been living more independently. Allow for somewhat more generous curfews and limitations, but still within your comfort and what will work in your home.
• Be prepared for changes in appearance, dietary habits and/or language. Part of the process of becoming independent is choosing to do things in a different way from what was done at home. You can ask about these changes as a curious observer “what made you choose to become a vegetarian? Stop wearing shoes, dye your hair purple?” Unless the change represents a serious and immediate health or safety risk, probably best to keep unsolicited opinions to yourself.
• If there are particular family activities or meals at which your child’s attendance is mandatory, be sure to let them know in advance and try to be flexible about the rest.
• Be vigilant about not serving alcohol to underage youth in your home. You have a right to serve your OWN child alcohol in your home, and only if they intend to remain in the home after consuming alcohol. You may not serve other people’s children.
• Remind your returning child that he or she is an important role model for their younger siblings still living at home.
• While sleep, a home-cooked meal and visiting with friends are important priorities for most returning young people, they can still be expected to contribute to the family by doing chores, running errands and helping out at home. Use of the car and time out and about can be rewards for participating in family maintenance.
Elizabeth M. Casparina, Ph.D.
609-683-5155 x215
